View from the cauldron; by a weary proprietor
I have been a partner in an owner-managed countryside restaurant for the best part of two decades. When a customer has a
less-than-satisfactory experience at my place, I am naturally dismayed but waste no time in rectifying the problem and expressing my
profound apologies with an explanation, which I believe is the logical reaction from any businessman
who wants to succeed. But sometimes, it appears, we are expected to self-immolate.
While it is an undeniable
fact that restaurants do take their eye off the ball and standards do slip on occasion, sometimes even unbeknownst to the owner, I am willing to lay a wager that with few
exceptions, most restaurateurs are quite simply mortified when a customer’s
experience is genuinely disappointing.
In my experience, the vast
majority of restaurant patrons are perfectly regular folks who simply want to have a decent
meal in pleasant surroundings, pay for it and go home. They might, at times, be subjected to mishaps,
but they are usually quite happy to have the problem resolved there and then. They accept the restaurant’s apology and efforts to compensate and move on.
But then, along comes the
Culinary Crusader, a.k.a Tripadvisor Trev, or as I prefer to call them; Guest From Hell, my go-to sobriquet which I've code-named "GFH". Smartphone firmly in hand, his Review Website Honouree badge hidden
from view and grumpy attitude resolutely intact, the GFH sits down and the fun starts.
The omnipresent sword of
Damocles that hangs over a restaurant owner’s head is the terminally Tripadvised guest who feels he has not done enough to verbally punish a server or owner into submission and is then hell-bent on venting his anger. Where best but on social media, especially the “reviews you can trust” type websites? Incidentally, I was amused when that famous slogan was changed to "reviews from our community". Some pretty hard-core members in that community, I mused to my partner. No matter what act of contrition a restaurant may try to perform in addressing this patron’s trivial grievance, he simply refuses to be pleased. His mind is made up: “F*%k ‘em, I’ll put this place out of business”.
What has become clear to me over the years is that the satisfied customer feels no pressing compulsion to spread the word about his experience, but the less-than-happy customer has a burning need to warn the world. I am under no illusion that negative reviews do plenty of damage, just as they were intended. The beautiful comfort is that the vast majority of our customers express their satisfaction personally by returning; not to Tripadvisor, but to happily spend their money at my establishment again.
Consider this enthusiastic encouragement I received from
Tripadvisor after I recently reviewed two overseas accommodation
establishments (Tripadvisor incessantly reminds travellers to do this): “Allan Barnard, you've written 2 reviews, but haven't reviewed
any restaurants. Want to try it? You can collect your Restaurant Specialist
badge with just 3 restaurant reviews.”
Excuse me? Just three reviews and you’re a Restaurant
Specialist?
To these “I’ve eaten all over
the world” gurus, the concept of a hard-earned reputation cannot possibly apply
to a restaurant owner. When the GFH is even slightly annoyed, he demands obsequious service, unquestioning compliance
and complete subservience from restaurant staff, no matter how fussy his demands are or how trivial the restaurant’s
blunder may be. For them, the term
“constructive criticism” does not exist.
Polite disagreement with a manager or owner who,
incidentally, believes he is doing his best, is out of the question. The GFH is there to teach this wretched
place a lesson; to loudly impart their vast experience as world travellers
and to demonstrate their intricate knowledge of every dish ever conceived since
the beginning of time.
There is, for the GFH, only one
course of action: punish, punish, punish.
From their recklessly written reviews it is obvious that they are completely
indifferent to the grinding effort and über-human fortitude, sacrifice,
not to mention mammoth patience it takes to run a restaurant for not-so-rich rewards. It is totally irrelevant that chefs, waiters, managers and owners are fallible humans and
therefore, restaurants can and do screw up. Yet, strangely, these are the only humans on
this planet who are strictly forbidden from getting anything wrong, ever.
Lawyers and advocates may lose the obscenely
expensive lawsuit against your litigious neighbour after assuring you that it’s
an open and shut case, your dentist may miss a microscopic hole in your molar
that still causes you numbing agony, your hairdresser may bungle your costly coiffure just before Carol's wedding,
even politicians get away with stealing taxpayers’ money, but God help the waiter
who doesn't bring the extra ice in a nanosecond or the chef that puts a teaspoonful too much Hollandaise on the fish.
Judging by the sheer number of reviews that some of these self-proclaimed foodies post, it is not unreasonable to conclude that some of them are so flattered when their harsh reviews are published that they turn it into a cruel ritual. They gleefully set out to visit restaurants, seemingly with the sole purpose of "testing" these establishments, whilst honing their newly-discovered writing and well-oiled culinary skills. They excitedly boast to each other about how
they “nailed” a restaurant, reading and re-reading their tongue lashings with zero regard to how their sometimes spiteful reviews
and often wildly exaggerated account of what really happened may affect real lives.
Inexplicably, an amateur food critic is allowed to be obnoxious, his complaint exaggerated and unreasonable, yet waiters, managers and owners dare not respond in any other way than with total servitude. They are at all times required to slavishly observe
the 1st commandment of business; “the customer is always right”, a medieval adage that affords unfettered bullying rights to any person with a gripe. Dare to challenge this religiously
abused cliché and you are summarily deemed unfit to be in business, let alone the hospitality
business.
The converse idea that some customers are simply unfit to be restaurant patrons is dismissed as crazy. Like the "widely-travelled" gentleman who had me called over to his table, to bellow in disgust that he requested his Steak Tartare medium but “they brought it to me raw”. God help us all. Then there was the folksy gentleman who just about licked
his plate of lamb curry clean before dismissing it as the blandest curry he’s ever had and demanded it be taken off his bill. Or the snooty diner with the made-in-Turkey
Rolex which he proudly points to whilst loudly proclaiming that he’s "been waiting for almost half an hour” for
his drink when the computer’s time stamp clearly indicates he waited
no more than six minutes for his third double gin and tonic in a very busy
eatery. One glance at his intimidated wife
and I couldn't help thinking "surely it ought to be her getting sozzled in such a hurry?". Why are people so aggressive when they go to restaurants? They wouldn't behave that way in a bank, or in the doctor's waiting room?
I have witnessed more than one instance where
a ranting guest’s party is so utterly embarrassed by their GFH’s behaviour that
they feel obliged to apologize to the waiter behind the bully's back and proceed to have their dinner
in awkward silence.
Could it be that a GFH holds the view that some restaurateurs simply don't care whether their guests are enjoying the food or having a good time? Because I cannot fathom why a restaurant owner, who is totally dependent on making a living out of his business and would therefore logically endeavour to attract more
customers with good food and good service, would deliberately subject
patrons to an appalling experience. Any restaurateur who has a passion for his
business will tell you that an unfavourable but rational critique conveyed to him
or his staff is, more often than not, treated as an alert to improve. So yes, there are genuinely helpful reviews too and I made a point of thanking patrons who constructively bring my attention to something I missed.
Undoubtedly, there are operators who reap
what they sow but for most non-franchise, sole proprietors trying to make a
living, the daily ordeals of survival in this brutal industry are taxing enough. The worst is when a dissatisfied patron says nothing whilst at the restaurant, then rushes home to express his disgust on social media under the feeble guise of "I didn't want to make a scene". Why should there be a "scene"? What defense does a restaurateur have against
the savage onslaught of a harshly subjective opinion, anonymously published as
a “review” on a worldwide forum like Tripadvisor? The reader has no way of gaining perspective and the critique is often blindly taken as fact. Negative review? Avoid the place like the plague. Issuing a management response is the only (somewhat ineffective) recourse, but by then the damage is usually done. And who likes to be accused of being defensive?
Through all this trauma, websites like Tripadvisor continue to thrive, regardless of their inconsequential efforts to verify a review.
Inevitably, the rebuttal from
these review zealots will almost certainly include the naive narrative that "sensitive" restaurant owners like me should “get out of the restaurant
industry” or deliver that knee-slappingly funny but utterly meaningless little
vignette: “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen”. News flash: the longevity of an establishment under the most severe economic circumstances defies this idiotic judgment. I cannot believe that a restaurant
would stay in business for years, serving thousands of guests, if it
consistently under-performs.
So this is an invitation to pop
into your local eatery and try the diabolical “worst meal ever" and the non-existent service. I'm sure they'll try their best not to exceed your expectation and serve it to you in under two hours.
Incidentally, I have, on the odd occasion, discovered to my utter astonishment at random dinner parties that the host's own cooking is not exactly five star and certainly does not match the loudly proclaimed standards to which they hold restaurants for an almost identical dish. They would rant endlessly about their recent experience at some undeserving eatery but I'm just too damn polite to say anything while chewing my way through the over-cooked lamb.
To the consummate GFH I have this humble request: either be fair and balanced in your attempts to be a food critic or leave the reviewing to the almost-forgotten professionals. We restaurateurs really don’t deserve you. And hopefully one day we'll be able to rate your rant on a website called GFH-Alert.
Allan Barnard
Riebeek West
South Africa
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